


She's So Gone

by FrostStar, SnowyCarnations (CrimsonCarnations)



Series: roleplays with FrostStar [3]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sexual Confusion, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 03:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8951488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrostStar/pseuds/FrostStar, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimsonCarnations/pseuds/SnowyCarnations
Summary: Feliciano finally comes out as Trans and it doesn't go over so well with Antonio.





	1. Chapter 1

Feliciano Vargas, that was the name he had chosen. That was the name he had wanted to go by for quite a while now. But they kept calling him Rosa. Like she was what defined him. She was all they had known and there was no reason to believe anything different. He was named after her mom. Her name meant something. He had no right to want to change it. How dare he even try. She was just going through a phase anyway and it was going to pass any day now.   
Rosa was really in there. She was the real person who belonged in that body and she had no right to feel any differently. She couldn’t even be sad about it. She was too scared to tell her boyfriends. She was not who he wanted to be. But he wouldn’t be able to tell even her boyfriend. Because Antonio had openly mentioned that he didn’t understand people like that. That they must be mental and stupid. 

Well Feliciano did feel pretty stupid anyway. So maybe he was right. The Italian gave a gentle sigh as he looked in the mirror. He knew this was wrong, knew this could hurt him. But he started to wrap the bandages around his chest anyway. It didn't help flatten much but it helped enough to make him feel better about it. At least he could try to convince himself he was right. He picked up the rather baggy t-shirt and went to put it on when the door swung open. He gasped softly and covered his chest with the shirt slightly. “Toni” He didn’t even try to speak with a deeper voice. “I’m not dressed”

Antonio had come up to see what was taking so long. He was about to turn around when he noticed the shirt “Isn’t that a little big Rosa? I thought we were going out?” He glanced back up expectantly. “What about all those outfits I bought you?” He was talking about the past christmas and birthday he spent with her. He liked to buy her anything that was considered sweet and visible so she would see how much he loved her every day. He smiled slightly as he glanced away towards the closet, “If they do not fit anymore then we can make a stop at the mall too, si?” Money was and probably never will be a problem for him, his parents were fairly well off and had set him up with generous allowance that had no time restriction and he had a job all set for him whenever he wanted it. He mainly used it to spoil his girlfriend.

Feliciano looked down at the shirt. “Ah...I guess I can wear something nicer. I just thought we were going to go out and relax…” He looked away for a moment and sighed shakily. “Will you give me a second to change? They still fit. I just didn’t want to over dress” he whispered and backed away from the mirror to make sure that it wasn’t obvious he had the bandages on. He would have to take them off anyway. He’d have to wear a real bra if Antonio wanted him to wear a dress or tighter clothes. Though he really didn’t want to, he also didn’t want to upset Antonio. He loved him so much. He just wasn’t sure what to say or how to tell him. 

Antonio blinked as he realized the other was actually undressed and smiled sheepishly before taking a step back out the room “Right. Of course. I will be downstairs then.” He quickly closed the door and made his way downstairs where he flopped onto the couch to wait for her. He could assume she would take a bit longer now that she had to figure another outfit out to wear. He flipped on the news channel just to have something to occupy him while he waited.

Feliciano nodded and waited for him to leave the room. He put the bigger shirt away and started to undo the bandages. His chest was already bruised, it’s not like it made a difference at this point. He pulled out a bra and clipped it on, looking at himself in the mirror and sighing. It was so unfair. Being a D cup when you were trans sucked. He sighed and went over to the closet, looking through the dresses and skirts he owned. Women could wear jeans too right? Well it’s not like any of his jeans would help his situation. He may as well just wear one of the dresses. That way it looks like he tried. He pulled down a long red dress and pulled it on over himself. He looked in the mirror and felt tears well up in his eyes, shaking his head and zipping up the side. It curved around his waist then fell down and flared at the bottom. It was cute. But it wasn’t like him. He didn’t wear dresses. 

Feliciano opened his door and went downstairs. “Okay, toni” he whispered, wiping his eyes quickly so it wasn’t obvious he had been crying. “I’m not sure which shoes to wear. You can’t see them” he looked down at his feet and sighed a bit. “Maybe I should just wear flats.”

Antonio’s attention had been caught by the news. He had barely heard Rosa come in and turned slightly towards her, gesturing wildly at the TV. “Do you hear this? ‘Trans’” he put air quotes as he said Trans before continuing “Want to be able to use any bathroom they want. If that happens more men will be in the women's restroom bothering them while women could be doing the same thing. Especially with little kids.” He shook his head in slight disgust as he thought about it “This ‘Trans’ thing is getting ridiculous.” He grumbled for a second before shutting the TV off with a huff and turned towards Rosa more fully. “What were you saying about shoes?”

Feliciano paused in his tracks. “I...I..I have to go to the bathroom before we go actually” he whimpered and rushed into the bathroom, tears starting to build up in his eyes. He had forgotten for a moment that Antonio didn’t really support it at all. That was why he was so scared to tell him. He loved him so much and he didn’t know what to do. He put down the toilet seat and sat down, crying into his hands. He just wanted to be accepted by his family and his friends. He didn’t know what to do. His own boyfriend didn’t support the kind of person he was. 

Antonio frowned at her reaction before getting up to follow after her. He paused in front of the door and stared at it for a moment, trying to hear anything distinguishable. After a moment he knocked gently and leaned his ear closer to the door to hear her response better “Rosa? Is something wrong? What can I do to make it better?” he waited a minute for an answer, holding his breath slightly to have both better time hearing and in slight anticipation of the answer.

Feliciano shook his head. “N-No. I’m fine” he whimpered softly. “It’s nothing. I...I just need to go to the bathroom, Toni” he choked out trying to make it seem like he was fine but he had a hard time with it. “It’s nothing” He whispered. He looked at the door and down at the dress. This wasn’t him. This wasn’t fair. He wanted to tell Antonio. But things like that just solidified that he really shouldn’t.

Antonio’s frown just deepened “Rosa. You sound like you're crying. That doesn't sound fine to me. Open the door and tell me what's wrong? Please.” if you don't want to go out then we don't have to. We can stay here and watch movies or something.” he knocked again, trying to get her to open the door for him. He didn't know what she could be upset about, he was pretty sure he hadn't done anything to cause this kind of reaction. 

Feliciano shook his head. “You won’t understand” He whimpered softly. “I can’t...I can’t tell you...You won’t understand” He slid off the toilet and onto the ground. “You’ll be upset and I...I can’t tell you” He sniffled and wiped his eyes. “I...I’m sorry” he whispered. He looked at the door and at the cupboard above the sink. He wanted to do it. But Antonio was right there. Could he really risk that? Should he? Just the thought made him cry harder and he buried his face. 

Antonio's brows furrowed slightly “Rosa, I won't understand anything unless you tell me. If you don't let me in then I will bust in. Just open the door.” His tone edged more towards pleading at that point and he jiggled the doorknob a bit to focus her attention on actually unlocking the door and allowing him entrance. 

Feliciano looked up at the door and stood up, wiping his eyes. He opened the door. “You’ll never understand Antonio. It won’t matter if I tell you or not” He whimpered and pushed past the Spaniard. He ran up to his bedroom, slammed the door, pulled the dress off and ripped the bra off. He threw them down and put the baggy shirt he had earlier on. He slid down and leaned against the wall. He cried gently into his knees and held the shirt around him. He just wanted to be in his room so he couldn’t think about the blades he had hidden in the bathroom. He didn’t want to talk to Antonio.

Antonio nearly relaxed when the door was opened before he blinked as he tried to catch what she said. He turned to follow her and reached out to grab her arm but thought better of it at the last second. He stood there slightly dumbfounded before turning to follow after her once more. He knocked first. He would walk in either way but he still wanted permission first, especially with her upset enough to as it is. 

Feliciano sniffled and looked up. He wished that Antonio would just leave him alone. He didn’t want to talk about this right now. He wiped his eyes and sighed. “G-Go away” He whimpered. “I’m f-fine” He buried his face again. “I don’t want to go out anymore. You can stay or something but...I don’t want to leave my room” He whimpered 

Antonio let his arm drop. Maybe if he left her alone for a little bit she would be more receptive to talking? It was worth a shot. He took a step away from the door and stared for a moment “I'll be downstairs cooking for you if you need me then. I will check in every now and then.’

Feliciano nodded and sniffled. He came down about 20 minutes later, only in the shirt and a small pair of shorts. “Toni...I...I want to be a boy Toni...I’m trans” he whispered shakily. He wasn’t even sure why he said it or why he wanted to tell Antonio so much. None of this would have happened if he would have just sucked it up and gone out with Antonio earlier. But he was so upset that Antonio got so angry over it. 

Antonio looked up when he heard his name and stood up to face the Italian. He froze and his brows furrowed slightly as he heard the rest of what the brunette was saying “Is this some kind of a joke? Is it because of earlier? That's not funny Rosa.” He let out a small slightly disbelieving laugh before he got a good look at her face. He stood up straight with a frown, more confused “Are you serious? What are you- I don't understand.” he couldn't imagine Rosa like those other people on TV. Did she want to take advantage of the bathroom thing? Is that what set it off? He couldn't get angry because here was Rosa right after crying and looking like she was about to cry again, and he just couldn't wrap his mind around this. It didn't make sense. 

Feliciano froze up and started to feel tears building up in his eyes again. “No. No Antonio this isn’t a joke. This isn’t funny and it’s not just a matter of assholes in the bathroom. People genuinely feel those emotions Antonio. I genuinely feel these emotions. You just don’t understand because the media is only showing what is wrong with the community. You should understand that. Tonio, they talk about gays in a bad light all the time. Bisexual isn’t that different. You know that you aren’t a bad person for loving people Antonio. And I’m not a bad person for not wanting to be a girl”

Antonio’s eyes widened slightly when she brought up his sexuality and he took a step back before reflexively looking around. He turned back to the Italian and shook his head, now he was getting more confused with himself as well. He shook his head again “I’m not- I can’t- Rosa it’s not normal. You know-” He shook his head again, almost thinking if he denied it enough it would drop and it would go back to a couple hours before where he wasn't being made to look at himself or struggle with understanding what the brunette was saying about herself, himself? He didn't know what to think right now, all he could see was his parents disowning him if they heard anything about this. But he didn't want to turn on Rosa. He had said once he would never look back if he had to choose between her and them, his choice being her. “I don't understand.” His tone was pathetic and desperate even to his own ears.

Feliciano watched him as the tears started to spill out of his eyes again. He moved closer to Antonio and hugged him tightly. “It’s not...It’s not normal...I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I feel like this. I don’t understand what I should do or how to handle these emotions. But I want to cry every time I look in the mirror” He whimpered softly, nuzzling into Antonio’s chest. “I’m sorry” He whimpered. “I don’t want to lose you. I love you so much. But...I...I can’t hide these feelings. I don’t know what to do” he held Antonio tighter as he cried. 

Antonio started to feel guilty, knowing he was actually causing Rosa to cry. He wrapped his arms around her reflexively before sighing as he dropped his face to rest on the top of her head. He took a deep breath before letting it out a little shakily “You’re not going to lose me okay? I just have to figure this out. Let's talk about this Rosa, because as I said I don't understand any of this or what it means and you're right all I know is what the media and my parents say and now that I actually think about it they never really say anything positive about anything.” he was struggling with himself a bit, but he knew he had to be the one to keep a level head and it concerned Rosa and he would do anything for her.

Feliciano sniffled and nodded. He pulled away gently. “I’m not sure how to explain it or how to say what I’m feeling. I haven’t told anyone else. I’m scared to tell my grandpa. I don’t want to get kicked out” he said shakily. “I want to tell my brothers too but I am scared Toni. I don’t know what’s wrong or how to tell them or how to explain it. I just wish that it was explained better on the news so I didn’t have to” he whimpered softly. 

Antonio looked down at the Italian before letting out a sigh and ran his hand through his hair as he thought “I mean I'm pretty sure you're grandpa would be supportive, mostly because I saw his friend and I don't know they seemed really friendly, and if he doesn't well I won't tell my parents otherwise I'll get cut off and if you get kicked out we'll need the money.” He would hate lying to them and he already felt ashamed for even suggesting it, but he knew his parents and once they found out about Rosa, or especially himself then he would get cut off and disowned. “I'll support you even though I don't understand. Is there anything you need now?”

Feliciano nodded a bit. “Thank you tonio” he whispered shakily. He wiped his eyes and nuzzled into him again. “I want to tell my grandpa because I want to get a haircut at least.” he whispered, pulling his hair to the side and messing with it. “I know it will be hard to get used to it...But I chose the name Feliciano. Oh...and my pronouns...are he/him” he whispered softly. “I thought it fit and it was cute” He looked up at Antonio. “I feel bad though. I was named after my mama”

Antonio frowned slightly and reached up to touch the others long hair. “Feliciano.” He tested it out slowly. His brows furrowed as he looked down at her, no as he looked down at him. He brought his other hand to rub his face slightly as he nodded “I will do that, but I might make mistakes. If I do correct me immediately, Feliciano.” It sounded a little awkward when he was directing it at the brunette but he would eventually get it. He shook his head lightly “Alright then, are we going to wait here for your grandpa to get back?”

Feliciano nodded. “Okay. I will. Thank you” he whispered. “yeah we probably should wait. I need to tell him. At some point he’ll figure it out” he sighed. “You’ll be with me right? You’ll stand with me while I tell him?” he asked, looking at Antonio and gulping. He was scared. He didn't want to do this alone.

Antonio nodded almost immediately “Of course. I did ask if we were gonna wait here.” He gave the other a crooked smile and tightened his grip before letting go “Okay I might as well make some food for us while we wait.”

Feliciano nodded and smiled. “I’ll come sit in the kitchen if you want me to” he said gently. He shifted. “I’m going to put on some pants though. I’m a little cold.” he whispered. “I’ll be right back okay? Thank you. I love you so much.”

Antonio nodded “Okay! It'll be a bit before it's ready so take your time!” He turned and started to browse the cupboards and fridge before finding what he wanted to make. He quickly went about making a full meal, relaxing into it after the awkward and almost uncomfortable conversation a few minutes ago. He prepared two plates while everything heated up and poured the both of them drinks.

Feliciano went upstairs and put on a pair of pajama pants. He lifted up his shirt to look at the bruises. It caused him to wince as he realized how bad they really were. He sighed and sat on the bed for a moment. Maybe he could find some bruise cream from when Sebastian fell. He got up and went into the bathroom to start looking. 

It didn't take very long for Antonio to finish cooking and he set it up before looking up to call the Italian doen. There was a long moment when he was going to call the name Rosa, and he luckily stopped himself before he actually yelled it out. He shook his head before calling out Feli’s name. “Feli, food is ready!” He plopped down into a chair and waited for the other before loading up with plate with the pasta. “I thought this would be a nice meal after all that.” he gestured vaguely in relation to their earlier discussion and miscommunication.

Feliciano sighed, unable to find the bruise cream. Well it was good Sebastian had listened and used it. He went downstairs and nodded. He thanked him and smiled. “Thanks. It looks wonderful” he said with a shaky smile. He sat down and put some pasta on his plate, beginning to eat.

Antonio nodded and looked at the time. If Romulus came home at the usual time then they wouldn't have too long to wait “There's no need to be nervous, your grandfather seems really open minded to anything.” he said gently before starting to eat as well “Is there anything that will help you relax?”

Feliciano nodded and smiled a bit “could we maybe watch a movie until he gets home? We probably shouldn't tell him right when he gets home. He should get settled first. I don't want to overwhelm him. Do you really think he’ll be okay with it?”

Antonio nodded to both “Yes I really think he will be okay with it, but you're right there's no point in just springing it on him. After we eat then pick a movie and I'll get the popcorn and soda ready.” He said gently before he went back to eating, once done he started to clean up.

Feliciano nodded and finished eating. “Thank you. That sounds nice.” he stood up and put his plate in the sink. He smiled a bit. “I’ll go pick a movie” he whispered, going over to the cabinet and picking out a few movies. That way Antonio could help him pick. .

Antonio nodded lightly as he continued to clean up. He put everything back where he found it and put the leftovers in a Tupperware before looking around to see if he missed anything. He nodded to himself before grabbing two glasses and the soda and set them to the side before making a rather large bowl of popcorn. Once it was all ready he grabbed everything and walked into the living room and set it on the coffee table before looking up at Feli “What did you pick?”

Feliciano held up the options he’d chosen. “I wanted you to give an opinion too so I picked a few. Whichever you want. Or the others there too” he shrugged and smiled at Antonio. He shifted to be seated criss cross while he waited. 

Antonio looked over the movies before choosing the one that would be most relaxing, the romantic comedy. He held up his choice before setting the movie up and sat next to Feli and grabbed the bowl to set nearer them. “Anything else before the movie starts?”

Feliciano leaned on Antonio. “I just love you so much” he whispered, nuzzling into him and watching the movie with a smile. Antonio was helping him to calm down. He was just glad that the Spaniard hadn’t left him when he told him. He pulled his hair out from behind him and started to play with it.

Antonio hummed lightly and relaxed into the seat “I love you too.” He murmured before focusing his attention onto the movie. He couldn't place what he was feeling but it was almost something like unease and he wasn't entirely sure why. He eventually let it go in favor of relaxing properly a few minutes into the movie.

Feliciano smiled when he responded that he loved him as well. He had been worried that Antonio wouldn't say it back. He leaned into Antonio while he watched the movie. He nuzzled into him a bit and ate some of the popcorn.

Antonio laughed at all the parts he was supposed and normally would have enjoyed the movie, but this time it made him slightly bitter. It was a simple couple. A man and a woman, neither were confused about anything except how they would make the relationship work, which was the comedic part. They didn't have to question themselves. He poured himself some soda and drank a glass to keep from seeing the happy ending.

Feliciano watched Antonio’s face every now and then, sighing a bit. He looked up when the door opened. He looked at the clock and nodded. It was about the time Roma and the other two got home. He shrugged and smiled. “Welcome home nonno!” he called.

Romulus looked up from getting his keys out of the door before smiling and waving at the two “Hey kiddos! How was your day?” He walked all the way in and set his folder down on the counter before shrugging out of his suit jacket. He hated them but it was required. He moved into the kitchen and poked through the fridge before grinning as he found some pasta “I’m eating the pasta whoever made it!” He called out loudly before plopping the whole container into the microwave. He moved out of the kitchen to lean against the wall facing the living room to hear of their day.

Feliciano tilted his head a bit and smiled. “It was um...Busy” he chuckled a bit and looked at Antonio before standing up and pausing the movie. He looked at the kitchen door and walked towards it. “After you eat do you think I could talk to you about something nonno?” he asked gently. “It’s kinda important. But I want you to be comfortable first and such”

Romulus stood straight and smiled slightly in slight concern and confusion. It sounded serious. He nodded after a moment “Alright then. Where do you want to talk? In the living room or dining room?” He turned and stepped back into the kitchen to stir the pasta before putting it in for a few more minutes and turned back to Rosa patiently.

Feliciano shrugged. “Yeah the living room is probably best. It’s more comfortable. As long as you are alright with that. I just want to make sure you are comfortable.” he said shakily, tilting his head and watching him with the pasta. “Are you okay with Antonio being in there too when we talk?”

Romulus grew a little more concerned “There’s no need to be so concerned with my being comfortable Rosa. I’m always comfortable anyway. I’m fine with anything and yes Antonio can be there, I don’t see why not, he’s basically a part of the family now.” He shrugged lightly and too his container out of the microwave before plopping himself down at the kitchen table “Do you want Seb and Lovi here too? They said they were going to be home pretty soon. Hopefully not before I finish this.” He grinned in amusement as he imagined their scowls seeing him finishing the leftovers without them.

Feliciano shrugged. “I think I should just tell you first. I don’t know how Lovi would react. Sebastian already knows” he whispered. “I would rather just talk to you about it.” He shifted. “I’m not even sure how you are going to react. I’m actually really scared to talk to you about this. Oh...Dear did I say that outloud? I’m sorry” he whimpered softly.

Romulus frowned “Are you really that scared to talk to me? There isn’t amy need to be, no matter what I love you, that’s all there is to it. Please calm down. Here let’s go sit down.” He got up and started to head back to the living room, lightly putting his hand on Rosa’s shoulder to lead her that way as well. He sat across from Antonio and looked over at Rosa with a reassuring smile.

Antonio sat up and moved over to give Feli more room to sit and get comfortable. He stayed silent, there to say something if the other needed it, but more moral support at that moment, not wanting to mess anything up.

Feliciano shivered lightly. He looked at Romulus and followed him into the living room. He sat down on the couch and looked at Antonio. “I...I don’t know how to say it. Or what to say. I’m scared” he whispered shakily. He pulled his legs up to hug them. “I...I don’t want to...Nonno...I don’t feel like...a girl. I don’t want to be a girl. I…” he buried his face. “I’m sorry.”

Antonio frowned and gingerly wrapped his arm around the other, trying to comfort him.

Romulus blinked and tried to piece together what the other was saying before his eyes went wide in realization and he quickly got up and sat next to the Italian “Hey, look there’s no reason to be sorry. Everything’s alright, there’s no need to be so upset. I’m not mad, I’m glad you decided to open up to me in fact.” He smiled gently and wrapped an arm around the other lightly, once Antonio moved aside for him. “I told you no matter what I love you, that still stands, now tell me a bit more about how you feel and what you need and such and I’ll help you and support you in any way. You said Seb already knows? How did he think about it?”

Feliciano nuzzled into Antonio at first but looked up when Romulus began to speak and move closer. He then nuzzled into him and started to cry gently. “I-I...Don’t really understand how I feel. I just...I just don’t feel happy whenever I look in the mirror unless I look masculine” he whispered. “I...Yeah...he supports it a lot” he whispered. “He’s actually almost called me Feliciano a few times out here because he got used to it” He chuckled shakily and sniffled. He nuzzled into Romulus and sniffled.

Romulus hummed as he thought back a bit “How long have you felt this way? And Feliciano is what you want to be called?” Anything else you want to tell me or ask me?” He asked gently, reaching up to ruffle the other’s hair lightly as he waited patiently for the other to continue.

Feliciano paused for a moment more. “i...A few years. I never said anything. I always saw how bad they talked about it on the news and I felt like there was something wrong with me” he whispered. He nodded in acknowledgement at the name. “I...I wanted to get a haircut? And...Maybe get some more masculine clothes?” he asked looked up at his grandfather and then back down at his lap.

Romulus’ eyes widened slightly at the time “Years?” He whispered more to himself than anything. How could he have not noticed anything? Or why wouldn’t the brunette have felt comfortable coming to him even then? He looked down at the other gently, though a bit sadly and nodded “Of course, anything for my grandson! It’s still light out, do you want to go now, or wait until tomorrow?”

Antonio sat up slightly at Feli’s admission. He didn’t know why but he felt nervous about it, he was supportive of the other doing whatever made him comfortable, but he just didn’t think it was right just then maybe? He wasn’t sure, he was still very confused. He forced himself to relax and continued to stay silent, unwilling to object to it when he had no valid reason and would end up looking like an asshole.

Feliciano nodded and looked at Romulus. “If it’s okay...I’d like to go today. Can we donate my hair when we cut it? I want it to go to good use” he said softly. Pulling his hair to the side and playing with it a bit. He turned and looked at Antonio for a moment before looking back at Romulus. 

Romulus nodded immediately “Alright, then why don’t you get dressed and I’ll put something more comfortable on. I don’t think Lovi would mind you borrowing something from him while we go out to get you some new things. After that we can donate your old clothes to goodwill or something. Sound good?”

Feliciano nodded and smiled shakily. He hugged Romulus tightly and nuzzled into him for a moment before going up into his brothers room. He pulled down one of the outfits he knew Lovi didn’t wear much and put it on. He smiled shakily and nodded before running back downstairs and looking up at Romulus.

Romulus returned the hug, laughing a bit at how tight it was before letting go and moving to his own room to change into some jeans and a t-shirt before making his way downstairs and gestured for Antonio to stand with him while they waited for Feli. He smiled lightly when he saw Feli appear and gestured to the door “Ready?” He asked jovially before turning and leading the way to his car. Antonio followed along silently, hiding his frown as he saw Feli, his discomfort growing but trying to quell it with happiness for the other. That’s how he should be feeling, what he wanted to.

Feliciano nodded and followed his grandfather out the door. He smiled at Antonio then at Romulus again as he got in the car. He climbed into the back so he could sit next to Antonio and looked at the brunette for a moment. Antonio seemed rather stoic and out of character and it kind of worried Feli. But he supposed this was a lot for him and he just had to give it time.

Romulus turned on the radio to something upbeat before starting up the car and backing out the drive and headed to the closest barber shop he could think of. “Alright let’s get you your haircut.” He quickly got out and walked into the shop and paid for the cut beforehand and gestured to Feli when he got in, showing who the other would be working with “Any way you want, alright?” He said gently before plopping himself into one of the chairs to wait, pulling Antonio along with him, feeling slight concern when he noticed the Spaniards behavior.


	2. Chapter 2

Feliciano smiled and nodded. He followed him inside excitedly and looked at the one he was going to work with. He looked through one of the books and hummed. He picked a hair style and talked to the barber for a moment before sitting in the chair. He waited patiently, almost feeling weight off his entire body as he felt hair drop off onto his shoulders. He closed his eyes every now and then, trying to imagine what it will look like when it’s done. When the barber finished he looked in the mirror and smiled brightly. He loved it. It looked amazing and he was more than excited. He ran over to Romulus and hugged him tightly. “Grazie nonno!”

Romulus grinned in response and hugged the other back before letting go and taking a step away “No problem kiddo! I have to call the other kids really quick as this might take some time, alright? I’ll be right over there” he gestured in the direction he was going to take a minute in before moving away to call them.

Antonio shifted and stood up when Feli walked over, hair chopped off and wearing what he was, the brunette looked so different. He almost felt felt panic, this was reality. This was happening but it was going to fast for him to keep up and understand. He shook his head and said the first thing that came to mind “You look ridiculous! Look what you’ve done!” He didn’t even think before blurting it out and he felt ashamed that he uttered it at all. His eyes widened slightly and he took a step back, but didn’t say anything to fix it, it was already out.

Feliciano nodded and stepped to the side. He looked at Antonio with a bright smile but it quickly faded into a frown when he heard Antonio speak. “I...I liked it…” he whimpered and tears started to build up in his eyes. “you...If you can’t accept this Antonio then we just shouldn’t be together anymore!” He looked down and clenched his hands into fists. “I get that you don’t understand and that it takes time to adjust. But...That...I can’t...I…” he trembled softly. “I think you should go”

Antonio’s eyes widened a bit more and he took a step towards the other, the panic fluttering in his chest and a protest on his lips. He took a breath before freezing. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t. He opened his mouth and shook his head a mumbled apology before he turned nearly ran. The regret and shame started to weigh on his chest, growing the farther he went but he couldn’t turn around and look into Feli’s eyes and and say he was comfortable with this, not when he still couldn’t accept his own differences. He couldn’t even think about it. So he went home and ignored his parents as he decided to hole himself up in his room and think.

Romulus came back a few minutes later with a frown on his face as he looked around “Where did Antonio go? Is everything alright?” He asked, very bewildered. He had only been gone a few minutes!

Feliciano was crying as if he’d lost a family member when Romulus returned. He hugged his grandfather tightly “h-he...He’s gone” he whimpered. “he...He said I looked ridiculous...I...I broke up with him” he whimpered and cried harder into his chest. “What’s wrong with me nonno? Why am I like this?” he sobbed. “I loved him so much. I didn’t want anything to happen between us. But...I…” he whimpered and went silent, starting to cry harder.

Romulus’ brows furrowed and his frown deepened as he quickly wrapped his arms around the other “There’s nothing wrong with you. Some people just can’t accept or understand this. He’s probably just confused, I don’t think he meant it, but let’s not think about this too much. Come on, there’s a lot of shops I want to browse with you, and you can get whatever you want and there’s no limit this time.” Usually they had a limit on shopping for clothes, but this time they were shopping for an entire wardrobe and he wanted to cheer Feli up.

Feliciano sniffled and wiped his eyes. He nodded and let go of him so they could go out to the car. He breathed in heavily and released it slowly, trying to calm himself down. Maybe this was for the better. He needed people who could support him and Antonio seemed uncomfortable the entire time. He climbed into the front seat of the car this time, looking in the mirror at the new haircut and smiling shakily again. It didn’t matter what Antonio thought...he liked it.

Romulus quickly got in and started up the car and glanced over before reaching over and ruffling it, effectively making it look messy “I like it, keep it messy like your old grandpa here, no one can resist messy hair.” He winked before driving off to the little section where multiple clothing shops were right next to each other and decided to let Feli choose beforehand “Any shop you see you want to stop at first?”

The Italian giggled when Romulus messed up his hair and looked in the mirror again. He tilted his head and nodded. Feliciano looked out the window at the shops. He told Romulus which one he thought looked the best and smiled softly. He put Antonio out of his mind for now and got out of the car. He waited for Romulus and went in with him, starting to look at the boys clothes immediately.

Romulus nodded and parked before following the other in. He went to a different section and started to browse “Feli, what about this?” He held up a nice shirt he found he thought would suit the other. He glanced at Feli and looked him over for a moment, frowning a bit, trying to remember something he had read once.it was on the tip of his tongue, usually used to flatten ones chest “A binder?” He hadn’t meant to say it out loud and he looked up to see if he had accidentally offended the italian.

Feliciano looked over at Romulus and smiled a bit. He nodded at the shirt and picked out a few others as well. He paused when heard the other mention a binder. That reminded him. He should tell Romulus...though that could anger the Roman. He didn’t know it would bruise him. He had seen that it worked sometimes and wanted to try it. After doing a bit more research he found out how dangerous it was. But it was all he had. “I don’t think you can get them at normal stores” he said gently. He decided that he would just let the bruises heal themselves. It couldn’t be that long? Plus it wasn’t like he could wear the binder until they got it. If they even got one. He just wouldn’t bind with bandages any more and he would be super careful with the binder if they got it.

Romulus hummed thoughtfully as he looked down at the clothes rack “I’ll find out where to get one then if you want one.” He looked back up “Do you want to try these on now? Or look a bit more first?” He reached out for what he had already “I’ll reserve a fitting room now either way.” He said lightly before moving off to snag a fitting room and leave what they had in there so they could have more room to hold other things.

Feliciano nodded. “Si having one would be nice” he smiled and shrugged. “I should try some on now so we can have the right sizes for when we look for more” he decided. He went with Romulus to get the room before going into it and putting on some of the clothes. He looked in the mirror and smiled bright. This felt so amazing. Although until they had the binder there wasn’t much he could do about his breasts. But other than that he felt amazing.

Romulus nodded and wandered off while waiting and found a few things here and there he thought Feli would like and grabbed those before heading back to hear what fit and what didn’t so he would have a more solid idea of where to keep browsing “How do they fit?” He called out softly.

Feliciano smiled and opened the door to the changing room. “They fit really well. I think it will be even better once we get the binder” he said softly, smiling at his grandfather. He was glad it was just them. He liked spending time with his grandfather and he was so happy that he supported him.

Romulus grinned “Great, here’s some more, try on what you like and then buy them and head to another shop, since there isn’t much left to look at here. The next one will be for pants and undergarments.” He nodded to himself at the solid sounding plan before taking what the Italian had already tried on and liked.

Feliciano nodded and smiled. He went back into the dressing room with Romulus and tried on some more clothes. He looked in the mirror and smiled, taking what he liked and leaving the dressing room. He moved towards Romulus. “Okay I think that’s all from this store then” he said happily.

Romulus nodded “Alright let’s go pay then.” He grabbed the rest of the clothes that were chosen and headed over to the counter where quickly paid for everything and headed to the car with the bags in tow. He placed everything in the trunk before looking around for a shop that dealt primarily with pants and spotted the one Lovi and Seb usually talked about. He pointed it out to Feli, “That one I heard was good from Lovi and Seb.” They didn’t need to drive anymore since everything was so close together.

Feliciano followed him with a smiled and nodded. He grabbed a few bags so that Romulus wasn’t carrying everything and put it in the trunk as well. He looked to where he pointed. “Lovi’s pants are comfy. I trust that” he chuckled gently and started to walk towards that store.

Romulus grinned in response and quickly caught up to the other and slung an arm around his shoulders “Hey kiddo, why did you wait for so long to tell me? Did I ever do anything to make you think I wouldn’t be understanding?” It probably would have helped if he told them about his boyfriend but that was beside the point right now. He just wanted to know if one of his behaviors put off his grandsons from talking to him. Maybe it was because he was usually busy. He shook his head and looked down at Feli questioningly.

Feliciano leaned into him and smiled. He shrugged. “I was just scared. Sebastian kept telling me it would be fine and he was right. I mean we are all pretty sure you are at least bi” he teased a bit and shrugged. “But being trans is different than being gay. So I didn’t know what to do.” he shrugged. “It’s nothing you did though” he assured.

Romulus couldn’t help the slight blush at the teasing and laughed before shaking his head “Well I’m happy you decided to tell me. You all can tell me anything, I would never judge.” He reassured before stepping forward to open the door for Feli “Alright let’s continue on with your wardrobe.” He waved the other in “How do Lovi’s pants fit on you? Are they big or small?” That way he could guesstimate on the brunettes size better.

Feliciano nodded and smiled a bit. “I’m happy I told you too” He said happily. He thanked him as he went inside. “They fit nicely. They are a little bit big” he replied, pulling at the waistline of the pants to show about how big they were.

Romulus nodded “But the length is good?” Smaller waistline, same length. Well that made it easier since it was always difficult finding Lovi’s exact size. He hummed thoughtfully as he looked around “How small? One size or more?” He asked as he lead Feli towards the area where most of the pants was in the size range he figured Feli was in.

Feliciano nodded. He looked at the waistline. “Si I think just one size smaller” he responded while he followed Romulus. He started to look through the pants and looked at Romulus. “These sizes are so different” he tilted his head. “Which ones are which?”

Romulus grinned wryly “They are inches, top is for waistline, bottom number is for inseam. It is annoying, but once you know your size it’s not too difficult to grab some pants and go. I think maybe a 30x32 would work for you.” He said lightly before gesturing to those pants and then a bit to the right and left “And if not we can try those ones.”

Feliciano nodded and started to look through those sizes. He picked a few of them. “Okay. I should try some of them on first, just to be safe?” he asked, looking over the pants. “So we don’t pick up a bunch and they don’t fit?”

Romulus blinked before grinning in amusement “That’s what I meant, it’s just a lot easier to narrow it down this way rather than grabbing random pairs and hoping for the best. There are more sizes than there are shirt sizes.” He chuckled and ruffled the other’s hair before pointing towards the fitting room. “Fitting rooms are over there as well.”

Feliciano chuckled softly and nodded. He went over to the changing room and put on one of the pairs of pants. He looked in the mirror and pulled at the waist a bit. These fit much better. He left the changing room and nodded. “These fit nicely” he said, tilting his head and smiling.

Romulus looked up and nodded “Alright now you just have to decide what styles you want. Then all we need are shoes, undergarments, and jackets. The next store over we can get the jackets, and I’m sure they have socks and underwear and such here.” He trailed off thoughtfully as he looked around for the small section that was for everything that wasn’t pants. He spotted it and grinned before pointing it out “Once you find all the pants you want you go grab what you need from there while I start getting us rung up.”

Feliciano nodded. He started to look through pants, picking out pairs he liked and humming to himself as he picked them out. He picked out enough to get him through a period without doing laundry then smiled and looked at Romulus. “Do I still try them on? If they are all the same size?” he asked.

“Romulus shook his head “If we were at a different store looking at the same size yes, but not when shopping at the same place. Different stores, different sizes, if only slightly, because manufacturers make them slightly different. The same sizes here is exactly the same so whatever you picked will fit fine.” He shrugged lightly and took the pile of clothes before wandering over to the register. “Take your time kiddo, there’s quite a bit here for the cashier to ring up and desensitize so it’ll be a few minutes.” He smiled charmingly at the cashier and made small talk as everything was being rung up.

Feliciano nodded and waited for him to take the clothes then scurried off to find socks and underwear. He didn’t worry much about socks though, since most of the socks he did own were unisex since he never really worried about socks. Most of the shoes he wore you couldn’t wear with socks anyway. He hummed and grabbed a few packs before returning to Romulus’ side so they could get them too.

Romulus put everything Feliciano brought onto the counter and paid for it all before grabbing up the bags and turning to go “Alright last stop for shoes and coats.” He announced and made his way to the car so he could put everything in the trunk. “Alright Feli, what size are your shoes now? I believe whatever size you are in women’s, take away two and that’s your size in men? That’s what I heard anyway.” He shrugged lightly and turned them in the direction of the shoe store.

Feliciano followed him out and thought for a moment, once again just following him. “hmm I like that would be a 7 in mens. I wear a 9 in women's” he shrugged “so if I just take away two that is 7.” he smiled. He didn't know how accurate that was but he could always try them on to make sure.

Romulus nodded “Alright, and it’s more of a generality so it probably isn’t completely accurate. But we’ll start in the seven’s and they might have that measuring thing for feet.” He didn’t know what it was called, but was sure his point came across well enough. He lead them into the store then made a beeline for the seven’s and sat down near them “Alright have at it kiddo.”

Feliciano nodded and smiled. He went around and looked at some of the shoes, sitting down and finding one of the same things he had mentioned. It was a bit closer to 6.5 than he expected so he stayed around there and chose some shoes. He tried on the pairs he’d chosen and walked. He decided on the ones he liked then looked at Romulus and smiled.

“Do you want more than one pair?” He asked lightly “Maybe a formal pair, a pair for everyday, and a pair for anything else?” He wouldn’t push anymore than that, it was just a suggestion, but he didn’t want to go for the minimum “The coat store is just next door as well.” 

Feliciano ducked his head and nodded. “Ah si okay.” he smiled and picked out a pair for what he suggested before smiling. “I think that is all the shoes I need, si?” he looked at his grandfather and tilted his head.

Romulus looked at the shoes before nodding and standing “That’s perfect, let’s go pay.” He was rather surprised he was that quick picking out shoes since there were more styles to choose from compared to the shirts or pants. But he was rather glad since getting old meant he was worn out rather quickly. He nearly laughed at his little joke before heading to the register to pay for the shoes. “Alright coats next, anything else you need other than some jackets?” 

Feliciano nodded and smiled. He followed him to check out. He nodded as he paid then hummed. “Um we can't buy a binder in stores so I don't think so. Thank you so much nonno” he said happily. He was so excited to be doing this.

Romulus blinked and looked around, almost as if expecting some special little store to appear that would be helpful. He looked down at the Italian and grinned “Anything for you Feli, now it’s getting a tad chilly” He joked lightly before leading them into the coat store after stashing the purchase in the car. “Alright we can generally go by whatever your size in shirts are.”

Feliciano giggled and nodded. He walked in with him and looked around, smiling at the coats. He got a few in the right size but got some that were a bit big as well because he loved the feel of sweaters that were much too big on him.

Romulus found a relatively close seat so he could keep a watchful eye on the other but still let him do his own thing without being hindered by him. “Just let me know when you’re done picking everything out then we’ll head home.”

Feliciano nodded and decided on what ones he wanted before heading towards Romulus again. “Okay nonno. I think that's all” he said happily

Romulus stood and nodded before taking what was chosen and getting it paid for. He dropped it in the trunk with the rest of the things “Last call kiddo, anything else you want or need before we head home?” He hopped into the car and started it before leaning back in his seat as he waited for an answer.

Feliciano nodded and thought. He got in the car and shrugged. “No I don’t think so” he smiled and tilted his head. “I should probably explain to Lovi why his clothes are missing” he said softly. “We bought a whole new wardrobe so I think I am fine” he shrugged.

Romulus nodded and sat up straight before pulling out of his spot and drove off home so they could put everything away and after Feli talked to Lovi he would hopefully be able to do some research and ask some questions.

~~~~~(*spongebob narrator voice* A few days later)~~~~~

Antonio had gone home and tried to push everything that happened that day out of his mind, but his guilt had grown until he couldn’t even sleep and then he decided to swallow his pride and admit he was wrong. But he knew no one would accept that all by itself, and he wouldn’t be comfortable himself until he actually knew what was going on either and he couldn’t pretend like he was. The next few days he ignored his parents and simply spent every minute, besides eating and relieving himself, researching. Trying to find as much as he could and understand what he was deciding to go back to, he also admitted he had to do more research into his own sexuality and be comfortable with that as well, possibly declare it to his parents as well. He finally came to terms with everything, well he was still slightly uncomfortable with himself, and he decided not to tell his parents until he could stand on his own. He was ready to apologize and hopefully the other would accept his apology gift as well. He was nervous, more so about the anger he was going to most likely face when knocking on the door, but he had to risk it. He calmed down his parents with some general story before making his way towards the Italians house, not really bothering on trying to fix his face or anything, it showing just how exhausted and anxious he was. He stood in front of the door for a few minutes before taking a deep breath and forcing himself to knock and wait.

It wasn’t Feliciano who answered the door, thankfully as had he been the one he wouldn’t have even given Antonio the chance to speak. It was Sebastian. He glared, though wasn’t one to slam doors so instead he stepped out and closed the door behind him. “What do you want” He huffed. “My big brother doesn’t want to see you. He has finally been accepted for being himself and he doesn’t want anyone who doesn’t accept him near him yet. You’re lucky it’s me too. Lovi would have punched you and Feli wouldn’t have even looked at you. What are you here for?”

Antonio slumped slightly and shifted nervously “I came to apologize.” He said, slightly hoarse. He really didn’t want to admit some, well a lot, of his discomfort had come from his having to accept dating a boy. He averted his eyes and turned his body slightly, ready to leave quickly, he wouldn’t push if he was denied. “But I’ll just go, I’m sorry for bothering.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened and he paused. He reached out quickly and took Antonio’s arm in his hand. “Wait. Look I can’t guarantee that Feli will listen to you. But I know how much he loved you and the rest of us really like you Antonio. But you can’t be mean to him for being like this. He is finally comfortable. He’s been uncomfortable for so long. If you...If you’re here to apologize and you’re really going to be nice. I can let you in. But once again. I can’t guarantee he will want to talk to you.”

Antonio fidgeted slightly and looked over the Italian before looking back down “I didn’t mean what I said, I just got overwhelmed and didn’t handle myself well. I’m sorry. I-I got him something, well I mean once he gets the approval I have something set up for him to show that I’m serious.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow and nodded. “Okay...fine” He turned and opened the door, letting Antonio inside before going to find Feliciano. “Feli, he’s here. He came and he has something and he says he is sorry and he looks super tired and I think you should talk to him.”

Feliciano looked up at Sebastian. He crossed his arms and huffed for a moment before grumbling and nodding. He ran his fingers through his hair and stood up, going down the stairs and pulling Lovino out and along with him, honestly a bit nervous to see Antonio. He stood in front of Lovino slightly but he was there in case something happened. He shifted a bit and stayed quiet, standing and staring at the Spaniard.

Antonio only became more anxious when he saw Lovino as well and his mouth dried a bit as he tried to find the words he wanted to say. He shifted again and nervously ruffled his hair before looking down at Feli. He had practiced his name and relating to the Italian he was fairly confident he wouldn’t mess up so much. “Feli, I, I just came to apologize. I didn’t mean what I said before. I really didn’t.” He paused and took a few deep breaths “I, uh, I just. I had a hard time accepting, uh being ah attracted to more than just girls.” He nearly flinched at saying it out loud, his voice not going above a whisper as he tried to explain and apologize at the same time.

Lovio raised an eyebrow. “So...you don’t know how you feel and that means you get to be an asshole to my little brother?” He asked, taking a slight step forward but Feliciano stopped him. 

“Lovi stop that. Look Antonio I know you are having a hard time accepting that you are not just attracted to girls. Trust me of all people I know that it’s hard to come to terms with who you are. But it doesn’t make it okay to be mean and hateful towards an entire group of people. I loved you...hell I still love you so damn much Antonio. But I...I don’t want to be around people who don’t accept me. And unless you can at least try to accept me, that means I don’t want to be around you either.”

Antonio did flinch at Lovi’s words and took a step back instinctively before turning his attention back to Feli. He shook his head emphatically “I researched everything I could before coming here. I didn’t understand...anything, about you, or me and I uh I found something I thought would help and already put the money aside and set it up so once you get the approval you can start right away and would I don’t know I thought it would be a good way to show I support you?” He stopped there, realizing he was rambling and looked everywhere but the two people in front of him, clasping his hands behind his back to stop them from shaking slightly, it was both nerves and exhaustion, not really having slept at all.

Feliciano was a bit confused thanks to all of the rambling. “You...what do you mean? What did you put money aside for?” he tilted his head. He took a few steps towards Antonio and reached a hand out to him. Antonio was shaking and nervous and Feliciano didn’t like it. He gently touched his shoulder and sighed gently. “Antonio. I want you to be in my life. I really do. I love you a lot. I don’t think things will ever be the same again. But I want you to be here”

Antonio nodded after a moment, he had expected the other to not want to bother with him, or only be acquaintances even. He took a deep breath and looked to the side a bit “Ah I put money aside for testosterone for you, once you get the approval for it then it’s all ready to go. I also ordered some binders as well for now, and put them for this address so they should be here in a few days or so.” 

Feliciano’s eyes went wide and he paused. He was speechless for a moment. Testosterone? Antonio must have really done research. Feliciano started to feel tears prick at the corners of his eyes and he pulled his hand away for a moment, unsure of what to say or do. He wiped his eyes and hugged Antonio tightly, burying his face in his chest. “Toni...That...That means so much to me” He wiped his eyes again and hugged him tighter. “Thank you so much. I love you so much Toni” He whispered.

Antonio’s eyes widened a bit when he saw the tears and thought he got it wrong before he gave a slight sigh of relief that it was just happy tears it seemed. He hesitated before wrapping his arms around the other, relaxing more than a bit, having really missed him the past few days, thinking he had really screwed everything up too much for redemption. “I love you too Feli.” His voice cracked slightly, he was trying not to cry this time, especially not wanting to in front of Lovino.

It took quite a while and a lot of explanation but Antonio made his way back into the family and he even moved in. Feliciano was glad Antonio had done what he had for him. He was able to start the testosterone earlier than his grandfather had planned and Feliciano was more than happy with it.


End file.
